I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
