if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
