Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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