I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
