What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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