you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
