guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
