our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
