I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
