Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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