hotel room ftw
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
