Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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