just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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