just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
