benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
