Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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