I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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