Your face is a jimmy john
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
