last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
