We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
