I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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