i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
