Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
