I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize