My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The struggles of a small town man whore
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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