Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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