You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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