Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
