My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
