wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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