i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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