Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
not ubering you a puppy
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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