just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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