11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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