Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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