you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
