Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
