So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
