I can text with my tongue
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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