its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
