i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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