it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
