a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
