I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
