I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
