God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
