this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
