You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
