i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
