watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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