Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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