I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
