pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
