Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Randomize
