im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
