I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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