so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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