look no pants
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Randomize
