I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
