woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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