he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
